Decisions, Decisions

I've decided against immediate reconstruction and, most specifically, against implants altogether. The only reason implant reconstruction was ever a consideration is because it and flap reconstruction, involving cutting into and moving layers of muscle, were the only options presented to me. The latter, flap reconstruction, such as the Tram Flap, where the transverse rectus abdominus muscle located on the stomach area is used, was not a legitimate option given that I would require bilateral reconstruction and this type of surgery would weaken my abdominal wall by approximately 40%, something neither my doctors nor I wanted risk. Maintaining a physically fit (generally speaking), lithe and strong body is extremely important to me, so muscle integrity is a concern. I need my muscles. I use them, vigorously. Any flap reconstruction involving muscle would not serve my reconstructive needs. Additionally, neither of my surgeons wanted to perform tissue reconstruction (a microsurgery requiring greater skill and time). Hence, the only 'real' option made available to me was bilateral two-stage breast implant reconstruction, which I initially decided to go ahead with because I couldn't imagine how I would cope with seeing nothing "there" post-mastectomy.

After having viewed many images of mastectomies, however, I am not at all worried about the psychological repercussions. In fact, I think it is better for me, psychologically, to fully experience and emotionally process each step. This is, after all, my narrative, part of my life. Just as I chose natural childbirth, because I wanted to be present and in power, delaying reconstruction is what I must do to remain centered and whole. I will check into muscle sparing tissue reconstruction options in the meantime, the S-GAP looking the most promising for someone like me who has very little 'extra' abdominal tissue and plenty to spare on the back end, and I will take this spring to acquaint myself with my new body--shaped by time, life and breast cancer--and let my feelings and research guide me to any future reconstructive decisions. The nice thing about tissue reconstruction is that they look more natural, feel natural, grow with your body, and you never have to replace them.

I feel good and strong now, ready to go into surgery and face my future. A week ago I did not. This is the feeling one wants--a feeling of certainty that they have made the right choice. Regardless of the surgery's outcome I made the right choice for me. I've done all that I can on my end to prepare for surgery and create the best possible outcome--mind, body, and soul. And that knowledge steadies me. I hope it goes well. I hope to see my loved ones and friends again. Should it not, well, it is enough to know that there will be others to greet me and to keep me company. It will all be well and as it should be. Of this I am certain.

A Dangling Conversation

A conversation in progress on my Facebook page. Please chime in. And men, I don't consider a preference for boobs (boobies, breasts, hooters, et al.) shallow. I, too, love them, on others as well as on myself.

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Anne Marie Bodoira: I'm considering not doing reconstruction. Forgoing implants would mean quicker healing time, no 6-month-long periodic expansion procedures or additional surgeries, no worries about upkeep, rupture, contracture, future removal and replacement, etc. I think the woman pictured is gorgeous. And I'm pretty sure I could rock this.


Survivor

Anne Marie Bodoira: What do you think? Honest opinions only, please.
4 hours ago · Delete

Anne Marie Bodoira: To view the full series of her beautifully stunning photos, visit Sentenced to Live
4 hours ago · Delete

Arcueid B: i think that too. i have always thought that. btw, you could always change your mind in the future and change stuff.. hugs , you smart strong creative wonderful woman :)
4 hours ago · Delete

Jesse L: I am sure you could rock anything. You are beautiful no matter what you choose. Sending love.
4 hours ago · Delete

Anne Marie Bodoira: FYI - with or without implants I will not have nipples. Very few woman get to keep them due to risk of recurrence. Nipples, if I decide to go with nipple reconstruction, will be created from additional body tissue about 6 months down the road. If I do that, I still won't have areolas. Those, if a woman wants them, need to be tattooed on.
4 hours ago · Delete

Anne Marie Bodoira: Implants involve two surgeries: initial insertion of expanders at time of mastectomy, followed by several periodic expansions; secondary surgery about 6-9 months after the first to remove expanders and insert implants. Elective nipple reconstruction is usually done at this time.
4 hours ago · Delete

Anne Marie Bodoira: My current hesitancy is not a value judgement about implants. My first thought was always that I'd get them because I love breasts, and as a single, sexually active woman, I thought it would be important to me and my sexual identity/viability. Just not so sure anymore. If I knew it would all turn out OK, and that I'd find them beautiful, I wouldn't hesitate to get implants. It's just all the uncertainty...
4 hours ago · Delete

Arcueid B: i am honest, i think you'd rock and i have always thought i wouldn't put an implant too if ti happened to me. my mother didn't for her left one and i soon get accustomed to that when i was a teen.
4 hours ago · Delete

Rebecca P: I think it's creative and beautiful. Rock it woman!
4 hours ago · Delete

Anne Marie Bodoira: Look at her "breast cancer treatment" set, too. Golly, this woman is amazing! Breast Cancer Treatment
4 hours ago · Delete

Arcueid B: well, we all are taught that we are female because of them so it is so difficult to choose .. if you are scared of the result maybe you could check better or talk to someone who did implants.i mean i am sure your doc can reassure you or that some woman having had an implant can tell you more interesting stuff than mine.:/
i will be honest again i accepted my mom with no problems, i helped her with her scar etc.. but... it was not easy for her.
4 hours ago · Delete

Arcueid B: sorry, for telling you useless advices :(
3 hours ago · Delete

Anne Marie Bodoira: not useless at all, Giorgia!
3 hours ago · Delete

Rebecca P: I think it's an empowering choice.
3 hours ago · Delete

Lucy S: She is amazon gorgeous! I find her sexy.
3 hours ago · Delete

Anne Marie Bodoira: I agree, Rebecca. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I'm confident enough to go without breasts. Such a conflict, for me. Me too, Lucy! Thank you all for commenting--it is encouraging. Whatever I choose, I know I'll be supported. It's one of the toughest choices I have to make with regards to all of it. I'll let you know. For now, I must depart and research and write. hugs.
3 hours ago · Delete

Arcueid B: we know you would support us too :)
i'd love to help you more... hugs.
3 hours ago · Delete

Arcueid B: i think it is not that you are less strong if you choose for implants. it is just about the image of yourself you wanna have.hugs again.
3 hours ago · Delete

Amber C: The woman in the picture is smokin'. I think you could rock it, hard.
about an hour ago · Delete

Andy J: ah sounds convinient and safe, but i know how much you luv boobs too...Plan C: maybey you can recover, then get boobs later even... you got good options you be rocking anyways...
about an hour ago · Delete

Kathleen E: consider away.
about an hour ago · Delete

Genevieve S: Anne Marie, I know you via fb and a few conversations here and there; so maybe not as well as your longtime friends. Still, since you asked, I will contribute my own opinion. I can think of many ways to describe you: brilliant, as in intellectually gifted as well as sparkles like a diamond; inspirational, you seem to me to be a muse though there is that kicking cancer's butt inspirational quality also; possessing the talent and soul of an amazing artist with the engaging wit of a raconteur. And, well, you are made of sexy. So, while I can think of many apt descriptors for you, "has boobs" would never enter my mind. And, being made of sexy, everything you have is still sexy regardless of what might go away. There is a lot more to you than your breasts whichever way you go.

Sky M: You are sexy and wonderful with or without titties-every bit as much as the woman in the photos--and more so because I know your mind and heart too. And as we both know, the mind is just as sexy (if not more so) than the body. If you choose to not get the reconstruction now, it is always possible that in time the risks will be reduced, and you may just decide to buy yourself a pair later. To me the best choice is the one that assures you will heal well. But whatever you choose, will be right. Love ya, AM! You are a courageous and beautiful soul.
26 minutes ago · Delete

Andy J: skys right the brain is the sexyest part of the body!
21 minutes ago · Delete

Stephanie S: Hello Miss Anne Marie - Check out this website if you have not already. The Scar Project [AM's Note: I highly recommend viewing this!] There is a beautiful slide show and a film. My friend Melissa is featured in here. She did chose reconstructive surgery.
15 minutes ago · Delete

Anne Marie Bodoira: Thank you, Stephanie! Wonderful photos! Did your friend go with implants or flap reconstruction? Wow, just took a second look. So amazingly beautiful and strong--all of them. Brings tears to my eyes.
2 seconds ago · Delete

Flux

Such a mixed bag of emotions these days; each morning a tricky exorcism just to stay focused on the work before me. Reflections rise and fall. Still, the dream... one day... out there, here... something as beautiful as this, perhaps.

Man Ray, Juliet Browner, Max Ernst and Dorothea Tanning.
Photograph by Florence Homolka. 1946.

For now, fear. What to do with this ill mannered guest of mine? Tangled among so many threads, memories, unfulfilled wishes... losses. Is there a hand that could possibly steady such a wind? Limbs tremble. Thoughts run. Only the departed to keep me company in this, and that eternal spirit others call God.

Bardic Revery & Desultory Genius

Today I'm thinking about the idea of research being a desultory process, something I recently noted in a short academic discussion response. But I think I failed to explicate my conclusion properly. It's not research itself that is desultory, drifting aimlessly from one idea to the next, for it does generally tend to a focused topic or question; rather, research arises (and quite naturally so) out of a desultory process.

Tarot - The Hermit by Hush. on Polyvore.com

Initially I had made a connection between the research professor and the wandering wise hermit or traveling bard. These associations merit keeping. Investigative research does begin with a wandering about; one sifts through previously published literature (a discursive wandering), the anthropologist conducts fieldwork, collecting ethnographic data, etc. And these images were at the forefront of my mind when drawing the parallel between focused research and desultory investigation. Other images, however, have since come to light that impress upon me just how important keeping an open mind, and allowing it to freely wander, is to the art of inquiry.

Drawing from René Descartes' (1596-1650)
in "meditations métaphysiques"

It is only when the mind is unfettered and free to roam, I think, that we discover the questions worth asking and arrive at their corresponding answers. Such a thought immediately conjures, for me, the image of Descartes lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, when he suddenly spies a fly. According to the story my teacher told me, upon seeing the fly crawling about the ceiling, Descartes wondered how he could communicate to someone else the fly's location. Contemplating the matter, with one thought giving rise to another, he imagined the cartesian coordinate plane (the fly being a point on the plane, of course). Perhaps this story isn't true or is a romanticized version. Nonetheless it persists because whether it be truth or fiction it speaks to the value of processes that give rise to chance and random associations and therefore innovation. Sometimes it is only by wandering, in ways that may appear aimless, that one breaks through.

Homer and His Guide, by William-Adolphe
Bouguereau (1825–1905). The scene portrays
Homer on Mount Ida, guided by Glaucus.

Another day I may share some thoughts regarding the Bard as the original historian, the original ethnographer. I suppose, since Herodotus does mention that Homer came 400 hundred years before him, this idea isn't anything new. But it is to Herodotus that our western tradition has attributed the title of "the world's first historian," not to the bards, or even a particular bard.

History, as Seen Through the Poetics of the Heart's Eye

Thalia, painted by Jean-Marc Nattier (1739)

Journal 2009 - A Message:

The lady is terribly smitten with wordsmithery and creative genius, neither talent belonging to her. She writes, "Reading you exalts and crushes the heart simultaneously, producing a sort of religious--dare I say sexual--ecstasy, an excruciating pleasure. (Is this what it means to be pierced by Cupid's arrow?) To illuminate, so perceptively and attentively, the sacred within the profane, the profane within the sacred! To give your eye to both, yes, is quite satisfactory and preferred. Such is the feeling that I find myself longing for your hand, to hold it in mine, to trace ancient symbols of love and acquiescence on its palm, and maybe a kiss."

Had to get that off my chest. There now. Much better.

Lullaby on Broadway

I watched Gold Diggers of 1935 with my daughter a few weeks ago. As some of you know, she's a fan of musicals and of any classic black and white film that includes dance numbers. She started ballet and tap classes this year. Now whenever we watch musicals I catch her watching the dancers' feet, and see her making that connection between the rhythm, the steps and the movement of her own body. And usually she'll get up and dance before the song is over, trying it out for herself.

There were two numbers from the film I particularly loved. The first, "Lullaby on Broadway," is classic '30s art deco--very surreal and the set reminds me of a Maxfield Parish painting. Youtube didn't have a clip of the number in its entirety, but I did find it in two parts, which I've posted here. I don't recall what the tune was for the other number I really liked, but it involves this beautifully intricate piano choreography that just, well, blew my mind. I may see if I can find it later today, after I've completed some work.

A Woman in a Man's World

Kenneth Branagh discusses his directorial (and Hamlet's) treatment of Ophelia.



I believe this concludes my "Ophelia" line of inquiry.

And this is Ophelia

(Pulled from my facebook page.) There are scenes from Revolutionary Road better suited to making the connection between April and Ophelia, but this one will have to do. Same with the movie Sylvia. No time to mention other thoughts or points of connection. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts/ideas, though.

and this... Sylvia [Plath]: the film

Where have you seen Ophelia?

Ophelia

A beautiful song by Natalie Merchant.

Ophelia

I

On the calm black water where the stars are sleeping
White Ophelia floats like a great lily;
Floats very slowly, lying in her long veils...
- In the far-off woods you can hear them sound the mort.

For more than a thousand years sad Ophelia
Has passed, a white phantom, down the long black river.
For more than a thousand years her sweet madness
Has murmured its ballad to the evening breeze.

The wind kisses her breasts and unfolds in a wreath
Her great veils rising and falling with the waters;
The shivering willows weep on her shoulder,
The rushes lean over her wide, dreaming brow.

The ruffled water-lilies are sighing around her;
At times she rouses, in a slumbering alder,
Some nest from which escapes a small rustle of wings;
- A mysterious anthem falls from the golden stars.

II

O pale Ophelia! beautiful as snow!
Yes child, you died, carried off by a river!
- It was the winds descending from the great mountains of Norway
That spoke to you in low voices of better freedom.

It was a breath of wind, that, twisting your great hair,
Brought strange rumors to your dreaming mind;
It was your heart listening to the song of Nature
In the groans of the tree and the sighs of the nights;

It was the voice of mad seas, the great roar,
That shattered your child's heart, too human and too soft;
It was a handsome pale knight, a poor madman
Who one April morning sate mute at your knees!

Heaven! Love! Freedom! What a dream, oh poor crazed Girl!
You melted to him as snow does to a fire;
Your great visions strangled your words
- And fearful Infinity terrified your blue eye!

III

- And the poet says that by starlight
You come seeking, in the night, the flowers that you picked
And that he has seen on the water, lying in her long veils
White Ophelia floating, like a great lily.


--Arthur Rimbaud, as translated by Oliver Bernard: Arthur Rimbaud, Collected Poems (1962)

It's a Date

My mastectomy has been scheduled for Dec. 11th. No time for blogging; I'm working triple time, if there is such a thing. (Is it even possible? Perhaps with a stimulant stronger than coffee.) I have to get all of December's work (freelance projects and UM coursework) done before December now. The pace was frantic before, and now it's downright intolerable. Still, I'm confident I can get it done. And, hey, I have good drugs and weeks of rest to look forward to.

In the meantime, *sigh*.

And, btw, still trying to drum up donations. Any surplus, if there is a surplus, will go toward paying down my mounting medical debt.

Thanks to all who have donated so far. It is a stress reliever. Nice to feel relief in at least one area. So, thank you... hugs, kisses, and blessings to you all. (You know who you are.) And do, please, continue to spread the word: AMC Recovery Fund